do what you love // not what you think you're supposed to do

I'm an RN (BSN) by degree. I went to a small & quite wonderful private college after I graduated high school. I completed two years of prerequisites and then two years of intense nursing school. I graduated in May of 2012 with my BSN, took my state boards in June and two weeks later, found out I had passed! Praise God!

I worked harder in nursing school than I have ever worked in my entire life. I gave 150% day in and day out. I was very hard on myself, pushing myself to achieve and succeed in the highest form possible. I got straight A's, carried a 4.0 all throughout college and graduated with honors. 

So Today I wanted to share something that has been on my heart for awhile now.

If you didn't already know, I'm a 24 year old Stay at Home Mom. I work part time in retail (fine jewelry sales) one night a week for fun because I have such a heart for customer service and for business. I grew up watching my Dad start his own business, so you could say I was born with a "business and customer service mentality" running through my veins. To this day, I have never experienced or witnessed customer service to a degree as incredible as my father's customer service...so I have pretty darn high standards. 

Aside from my PT job, I am at home, all week and weekend with Olivia. I gradated college, got married, and planned to get a nursing job and work as an RN for a few years before starting a family. Obviously, God had different (and WAY BETTER) plans (read more about How it all began HERE). Before finding out I was pregnant (after I passed my NCLEX), I applied for RN jobs consistently, one after another after another. Every job I applied to led to a dead end. The places I really wanted to work had no openings or were not taking new grads. The places I did get interviews and offers with, I didn't feel led and had no peace with accepting the positions. It seemed like every door open to nursing was being closed and locked, tight. I couldn't figure out why -- with two years of experience at the VA on a cardiac step down unit and an outstanding resume -- I wasn't getting anywhere. 

I began to wonder why I even went to nursing school. I had huge doubts, thinking I should have majored in Elementary Education (what I had planned to do until I was in my sophomore year of college). I should have gone a different route. I should have chosen a different field. All I could think about was how I had spent all this time, money, hundreds & hundreds of hours of studying, reading, researching, and giving more effort than I thought was humanly possible toward this ONE thing -- nursing. And now, all for what?

In October of 2012, we found out we were expecting. I continued to job hunt throughout my pregnancy and no matter what, I intended to follow peace. I had a few offers but had no peace. I eventually made it to 6- 7- and 8- months pregnant and by then, I'd had enough. 

Olivia was born in May and I was so grateful that I didn't have to count the days and weeks until my maternity leave ended; I didn't have to go back to work when she was 2 months old. I had no time constraint put on me, we had the freedom to be us -- a new mom & a newborn baby -- together every day, learning, playing, and bonding. I watched as many of my friends returned to work after 8 weeks of maternity leave, I watched as many of my peers worked as RNs in positions they loved (and some they didn't love). I looked around and wondered if I was being "lazy" or "doing it wrong" and thought maybe I'm supposed to go back to my job hunt, work as an RN and put Olivia in daycare. 

I started questioning what I was called to do, what I was actually doing, if I was making the RIGHT decision. But you know what? When you start comparing yourself to others, comparing YOUR LIFE to OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES...it only leads to terrible heartache and it steals your joy. "Comparison is the thief of joy," and after Olivia was born I learned that full well. I went through extreme sadness, where I felt like I didn't know what I was doing as a mom, I didn't know why I was an RN and had worked for four years to hold a degree I wasn't using. I didn't know what God's plan was and I couldn't figure out why He didn't stop me from becoming an RN. Why didn't He just turn me around? Why didn't He change my heart? Why, when I was in college, didn't He do SOMETHING that would let me know THIS WAS NOT HIS PLAN and that it would lead to NOTHING. 

Well, we are given free will and I exercised my free will -- and my free will led me to gradate at 22 years old with my Bachelor's Degree in the Science of Nursing (May 2012). 

Fast forward to one year later -- May 2013, I was 23 and staying at home with my baby girl and questioning if I was making the right decision. But what does the "right decision" mean anyway? Who has the authority to tell me what is "right"? Maybe for them, working full time as an RN is "right." But for me, it's wasn't. It isn't. At least not right now.

I wanted to write this post to share with you all that I am doing what I love & not what I think I'm supposed to be doing. I want this post to serve as encouragement. I followed my heart, not my head. I listened to God and let His spirit lead me, not other people. I trusted and continue to trust my own judgment and my own decisions, and I learned to stop comparing my life to other people's lives. I stopped overthinking it, overanalyzing it and stressing out about it. I just made the decision that I am going to do what I love -- to BE what I love -- to do my DREAM JOB and to do it well.

After I graduated college, I prayed and prayed for God to give me my dream job. I was thinking something along the lines of an OB or Birth Center RN, or a Pediatric RN; I wanted to work with Pregnant Women and Babies in some form or another. I prayed for my dream job and I knew deep in my heart that God was going to give it to me in His perfect timing. (Little did I know, I would be the pregnant woman!)

Well, as the story goes, He did give my dream job to me. And is His perfect timing. Thursday, May 23, 2021 was my first day on the job and it was a whirlwind of a day! I was thrown into a whole new environment where I'd had no formal training, no education to prepare me for it, and no clue what I was doing or how I was going to succeed. I just worked and worked hour after hour, day after day, as if I was working unto the Lord. Not every day was glamorous, and in fact most of them were not. There was a definite learning curve and every day I'm pretty sure I questioned every move I made.

But day by day came and went, and then week by week. Before I knew it, Olivia was two months old and I had made it! We were both still alive and in fact, we were both doing great! We had a routine, I was breastfeeding consistently, we had overcome all the hurdles of the first two months, we were both getting full nights of sleep, and I was finally eating more than a spoonful of peanut butter at 3 in the morning.

It was then that I looked back to May 23, back to my whole pregnancy, back to January 18th, 2013 when we found out our babe was a little girl, back to October 2nd, 2012 when I found out I was pregnant. I looked back and I realized how all the pieces came together so perfectly. God worked everything out for my good, to bless me. He gave me the best job -- my dream job -- and there isn't a day that goes by anymore that I wonder if I'm doing what is right or that I question what I'm supposed to be doing. I can whole heartedly say I am doing what I LOVE. How many people do you know that can say that and TRULY mean it? Being a Stay at Home Mom, every day is better than the last.

I often get questioned -- on a regular basis, actually -- why I'm not working as an RN. I meet people and they ask me why I'm not practicing nursing, with a tone in their voice as if they're saying "what a shame...to have such a great degree and to not be using it..." I just smile politely and let them know that I choose to be a Stay at Home Mom and that I'm leaving the door open for nursing in the future but I'm not called to it in this season of my life. And maybe next season, I will be. And maybe, I won't. I don't spend too much time wondering or thinking about it anymore, because I focus on living each day as it comes, in the present moment.

Some people understand my explanation; others don't. It doesn't really matter to me one way or another.  And I really don't feel the need to explain anything to anyone -- especially a total stranger. If you know me (I mean, really know me) you'll know I've never done anything in my whole life to earn anybody's approval, other than God's. I am bold and outspoken and I go my own way. I am independent and driven and from the day I was born, I knew what I wanted and I always worked my butt off to get it. I don't seek other people's ideals or do what they think I should be doing; I don't serve humans, I don't serve money or materials; I don't serve an office, a paycheck or a 9-5. I serve a big God -- a magnificent God -- who gives His children the deepest, truest desires of their heart in His perfect timing, according to His perfect will.

I've found something I am passionate about, and I know I will always be interested in it. It is not a fleeting hobby, a passing pleasure, a temporary decision, a momentary position. It is something that I am called to do; it is what I love -- to my core and through every cell in my being -- I am a Mom and I love every second of it.

I love what the quote above says -- especially this:
"If you don't know how to do it, learn. Know that it will rough you up a few times, bring you to tears. Do it to your best ability. You'll have no other choice. You will find there is no end, no real one anyway. It's a journey, a long one, but You will be forever changed, once you give it a go."

Could that quote be any more fitting for motherhood? I am forever changed; every day, when Olivia smiles at me, giggles at my kisses, reaches for my hugs, touches my face, I am changed. Parts of it have been rough, I've cried more than a few tears, and I've had A LOT of learning to do. And I am still learning, every day. But every night when I go to bed I can say I am doing this job to my best ability. But it really isn't a job, is it? It's not a career with a high-paying salary, that requires me to wear scrubs or heels or clock in and clock out. It's not a building where I catch a bus and carry a briefcase or wear a name tag.
It's a calling. It's my dream. It's a desire God placed in my heart long before I was born. 
And I am so grateful that I am doing what I love.