As a Mom -- especially a first time Mom -- I am learning to take life one day at a time. I'm working on letting go of my expectations (which, let's get real, I have a lot). Some days I expect to get a lot done and then nothing gets done (other than snuggling in our pajamas all day, of course). Other days I plan to be lazy. Those are the days I get 3 loads of laundry done, finish all our grocery shopping, clean the house top to bottom and still have energy to spare. Funny how that works. So I try to approach each day with a positive attitude, an open mind and a calm heart while letting go of expectations. What gets done, gets done. What doesn't, doesn't. I'm learning that if the choice is between folding laundry or playing in a giant teepee with Olivia, my heart is always more full with the latter. (Don't get me wrong, I believe in keeping a neat and tidy house, wearing clean clothes and staying organized, I am just working on letting go of the constant urgency and stress of it all).
Back to my honest mom moment...
Yesterday was a day that proved to be more challenging than most. Being that for the past two weeks we've been living in an arctic tundra with what feels like 10 feet of snow surrounding our house and below zero temperatures day after day, I am not surprised that last night my husband pointed out that I am beginning to get cabin fever. I couldn't agree more.
Yesterday was one of those days where from the first moment you get out of bed, you question why you did. I woke up after having gotten a terrible night of sleep and from the time my feet hit the bedroom floor, everything that could go wrong seemed to. Now it was all minor things, but still things I didn't plan on happening -- a fresh container of blueberries spilling all over the kitchen floor, a bad headache that wouldn't seem to go away, forgetting to mail a check for a bill, and a baby that fussed a lot more than usual. (Now, to Olivia's credit, I'm sure her little gums hurt and I know any day now she is going to show us her first beautiful and shiny little tooth. I don't blame her for her behavior, and in fact I would probably want to cry and chew on everything in sight too if I was teething.)
But the day just seemed so long. Olivia wasn't very interested in napping for either of her naps (which thankfully, is unusual) so I wasn't able to get much of a break. I began to wonder how I could possibly make it with more than one baby in the future. God gently reminded me to handle the baby He has put into my hands and not to worry about the next one. (Did you read my post on wanting a big family? Check more out HERE.) Well yesterday was a day where I felt like I am totally unprepared to have another baby. But then again I don't think you ever feel ready to have another - whether its your first or your 10th (more on that later).
Back to yesterday. My husband got home from work on time but then spent an hour shoveling and after the day I'd had, one hour felt like 10. Honestly? I was counting the minutes until he stepped in the door and I could step away to clear and quiet my mind.
I think the hardest part was that all day, it seemed like nothing I did would soothe my baby girl, which is heartbreaking because as a Mom you feel like you should always be able to soothe your child. When Dad can't calm your baby, you always can. When nothing else works, Mom's arms are the best spot. When all a baby does is feel like crying, at the sound of mom's voice they are quiet. Well yesterday that was totally not the case. Thankfully, Dustin got Olivia laughing up a storm as soon as he walked in the house. (Of course).
By 6pm, I was feeling so run down and frustrated -- with myself, with the weather, with the headache I couldn't seem to shake -- and I just kept wondering why I got out of bed. (Obviously, I didn't have a choice but in theory, it was a valid question). After dinner, Dustin ran to get us DQ blizzards...which seemed appropriate considering (1) we're living in what feels like a never-ending blizzard so we might as well stick to the theme and (2) after a hard day, Reese's peanut butter cups always cheer me up.
While he was out, I fed Olivia and then got her into her pajamas for bed. While I was doing so, I told her that I was sorry I wasn't myself today and that tomorrow we would both have a better day. I told her that no matter what, I will always love her. No matter what, she will always be my baby girl and I will always take care of her. No matter what kind of day we have, I will always be her Mama and she will always be my Baby.
I kissed her forehead afterward and she began to giggle. I kissed it again and more giggles.
Again and again, giggle after giggle.
And then I realized, her giggle was the reason I got out of bed.