to my sweet babies

I recently had the opportunity to write a guest post for the Owlet blog and am so excited to finally share it. Their February theme of course was love so I wrote a love letters to our babies.

You can find the original post here.

To my sweet babies,

Before I met you, my life belonged to me. It was very much a good life, but all along I waited and wondered when my dream, hope and prayer of being a Mama, of being your Mama, would come true. 

I wondered when my life would no longer be mine, but when I would make the choice to give it over to you. When the privilege of putting someone else’s needs above my own would come upon me and when I would be given the daily opportunity to choose love, patience, grace and joy over every other thought and feeling I would face in my journey of motherhood. I wondered when my strongest desire would be just to be present with you, focused on your every feature, sound and movement, hanging on to your every word, savoring every second and cherishing each precious moment we had together from the very start.

I wondered when my heartbeat would be the sound you first heard and soon would grow familiar with, when my body would be the one holding yours, so small and new, nestled in the crook of my arm or laying warm against my chest. Every perfect ounce of you still and safe and finally here; the weight of my dream against me. The most perfect gift, finding a home in me…in my arms, in my heart. And even though I could never ever deserve you, you were given to me. From that moment, what I was most certain of is that I would love you until the end of time.

I wondered when I would be the one you wanted with you always, the one you most depended on, the one you cried out for in the middle of the night and the one you knew would always come running. I wondered if I was good enough to be the one you never grew tired of being with; the face you saw and immediately knew, as if you had always known me and I had always known you. 

I wondered when I would kiss your fluffy cheeks and make you giggle and watch as you crawled, walked and one day ran and what it would feel like as I stood back and cheered you on, beaming with unending love. As you discovered the world around you, as you learned and explored, all I would be able to forever see is that you were my everything wrapped up in a tiny body, full of vibrant life. I wondered when I would first hear your gentle voice say “Mama” as if I was the only one you would ever need, and when my heart would be so filled with joy it would completely burst.

From the very first moment we would meet you on this side of heaven, I knew I would feel a weight and a love I had never known before…In the stillness of our first moments together, my entire life would shift and it was no longer mine but yours. You were ours and I was yours. All of me, completely and forever yours. My baby. You always had been and always would be. I wondered just what that would feel like.

I wondered how you would grow, who you would become, and what gifts you were given by the One who made you. I wondered if you knew how much I loved you. How much I would always love you. I couldn’t help but wonder how I, of all the people in the whole wide world, was given the gift of being your Mama. The best gift and equally the hardest task, but all the while having the undeniable certainty that I was meant for you and you were meant for me. 

Now I watch you as you dance, as you smile and laugh, and I don’t have to wonder, now I know. I watch as you splash in your bath, curls covered in bubbles, and I watch as you drift off to sleep, so peacefully. I watch as you reach for me and I know the whole of what it feels like to be wanted, to be loved, to be needed by you. I know what my dream coming to life looks like, how it feels deep down in my heart of hearts. I watch as each day comes and goes, you greet me each morning just a little bit older and I now know the ache of time passing and the subtle heartbreak of days going by as you grow. Each day, I notice that I get a little of my own life back, as your need for me is just a little bit less than it was yesterday.

Now I know what it feels like as I tuck you in each night and kiss you over and over and over, as if enough kisses could stop time from turning. I whisper that you will always be my baby. I ask you if you know that. And I vow to remind you each and every day. Even though each of you may need me less someday than you do now, you will always be my babies. And because you are here, because you are mine, I don’t have to wonder. I now know. For I have never been more sure of this: I know I will love you forever.

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